SHARK ATTACK

Look, its me eating pizza in a sharks mouth. I'm a risk taker.

FOR PATTY

I wrote this for Patty and I read it at her funeral.
The picture is of my father and her before she got sick.

I have learned four important truths in my life. Four important truths from four important people. And I say they are important because they are simple but powerful and can’t truly be understood intellectually. They have to be learned on an emotional level.
From my mother, I learned how important it is to finish a fight. That it is cruel to walk away from someone mid-argument. And that if you leave too many fights unfinished, they start to act like rust and make things feel stiff and ugly.

My father taught me the importance of grace. That people need to be given a break, even if they don’t seem to deserve it.

Daniel Raffelock has downs syndrome and is non-verbal. But he taught me how to laugh. And that it is important to laugh. That it doesn’t matter how clever or witty the joke is. Laugh anyway.

I love people with good laughs, people that can laugh at simple jokes and laugh hard. My mom had a great laugh, Daniel had a great laugh. My aunt Eleanor had a great laugh. My step mother patty had one of the worlds all-time best laughs. Everyone that knew her, knew that laugh. That intense belly laugh. It was contagious.

At one point in patties life she could laugh like this a few times a day. She could laugh even more once she got together with my father.

Then she got sick. Her body hurt and it became harder to laugh.

But that laughter was still in her. It just didn’t come out as frequently. We’d be lucky to get her laughing like that once a month.

The last time I got her laughing like that was three months before she died, and I won’t tell you what I said to get her going, cause we are in a church and her sense of humor had become kinda raunchy. I like to take the blame for that.

But that wasn’t the last time she laughed. It was just the last time I got her laughing. The last time I saw her laugh was in the hospital. She had a minor surgery. We were all sitting in her room anxiously waiting for her to come back. After an hour they rolled her bed in and we all rushed up to her. She was on life support and she hated that. There were all sorts of tubes in her. She opened her eyes and she saw her children, Kristy, Wayne and I, hovering and telling her that she was going to be ok.

Then she heard my father call to out to her.

“Hey patty! I want my bonka biff? Where’s my Bonka Biff(It’s a type of old timey food she used to make for him)?”

My father can be so tactless and sweet at the same time. It’s a real gift.

Now, like I said, she had all sorts of tubes her mouth, so I didn’t actually hear her laughing. But I swear to God she was laughing. I could see it in her eyes. It was there.

That woman knew how to endure. I think her laughter and her durability were linked. I think her sense of grace that she learned from my father helped. But there was something more. There was something more that helped her push on through the years. She loved life. She really loved it.

She loved life and she loved people. Even when her life seemed so bleak, when she could do nothing more than sit on a lazy boy and fade in and out of consciousness, she still had so much love and that kept her going.

It was a good love. A non-judgmental love. A love that didn’t keep track of visits, or hold vendettas. It had more important things to do. And no time to waste on bitterness.

And that is what she taught me. She taught me that the most important part about love, is to actually feel love. To just feel it. Without analyzing it, or evaluating it in any way. and that when you love purely like that, it gives you strength.

I think my mother would have taught me that lesson eventually. But she died when I was young and she didn’t get a chance. Patty picked up where my mother left off.

I loved Patty, and to say she was like a mother to me would be an understatement.

xxoxoxoxoxox
Justin Grimbol

MY FAVORITE TEEN PARTY MOVIES

This is a list of my favorite Teen Party movies. Each film on this list is a gem. They are the best, the assiest, the horniest, the most hilarious movies ever made. These movies are important. We need them. We need them to remind us that we were young once.
They were a major influence on my new book, THE PARTY LORDS.

SIXTEEN CANDLES

Take out the cheesy romance between Molly Ringwald and that other douche, and Sixteen Candles is just a hilarious and sleazy party comedy. The foreign exchange student gets all drunk and hooks up with a female weight lifter. A nerd drives around drunk and hooks up with the prom queen. A house gets thrashed. The movies just a good time.

PROJECT X

I saw this little disaster in the theatre and all I could think was like, fuck, teenagers are Goddamn terrifying. I felt so old. So out of touch. This generation of teenagers party so hard. Or at least the kids in this movie do. This is the wildest party movie ever made. This movies like Saved By the Bell  got dry humped by Gummo. Dry humped hard as fuck.

SUPER BAD

Jonah Hill is so good at playing a teenager. I wish he was still down with playing a seventeen year old in movies.

21 JUMP STREET

Well, Jonah Hill doesn’t play a teenager in this movie. He plays a cop going undercover in a high school. Good enough. Strangely, it’s not Jonah hill who carries this movie though. It’s his co-star, Channing Tatum. God damn, Channing Tatum is so God damn handsome and charismatic. I have such a crush on him. I mean my wife has such a crush on him. Anyway, this movie is hilarious. Much better than the TV show. The TV show sucked. It’s was like Saved By The Bell meets Law And Order. (I have a weird love hate thing with Saved By The Bell).

RISKY BUSINESS

Part of what makes this movie so great is the soundtrack. It’s done by Tangering Dream and its dreamy as hell. I also love how morally ambiguous the movie is. It’s about the love between a teenage boy and high scale prostitute. And the movie makes no direct stand on the issue of prostitution and I love that.

PORKYS

I should hate this movie. It’s basically about a bunch of rich kids fucking with poor people. It’s like the movie The Outsiders turned inside out. Its like Saved By The Bell beating up on the cast from Roseanne. Still, it’s so funny and written with so much heart. I love this film. No matter how pro rich kid it is.

AMERICAN PIE: BETA HOUSE

This movie barely has a plot. What plot exists, is just plain dumb. But the movie is hilarious and the actors seem like they are having the best time ever making it. It’s a gem. I prefer this movie to the original American Pie movies. It’s one of the most ridiculous, most over the top movies ever made. And there is so much nudity. You see full frontal dangly labia in like the first ten minutes. I love dangly labia.

ENCINO MAN

Cavemen are awesome at partying. Pauly Shore is awesome at partying. THIS MOVIE IS AWSOME AT PARTYING!

DAZED AND CONFUSED

I love the creepy old dude in this movie. He’s such a chill master. And he’s really not that creepy. The movie doesn’t focus on him needing to move on or not being a molester. It kinda glorifies his creepy older dude status. And I really appreciate that.

CALIGULA

This movie has so much partying in it. It’s about a young  man’s brief, but awesome term as Czar. This young lad loves to party. Warning: There are some really disturbing scenes in this movie. But, for the most part, it’s just a good old time. Being a teenage much have been fun back in the day. At least it was if you were a Czar. 

FIRST CHAPTER OF THE PARTY LORDS

Grindhouse Press recently published my fourth book, THE PARTY LORDS. Its a rowdy little novel. Lots of  humping. Dry humping. Partying. Zits being popped. Its easily my funniest book. Here's the first chapter. If you like it and want more CLICK HERE and buy a copy.

ONE

Teenagers were everywhere. There were so many of them. They acted so awkward, but cool at the same time. Even the nerds seemed cool to me.

“Teenagers are so gross,” Vicki said.

Vicki was my girlfriend. She hated driving me to school. I was thirty-two years old and still in high school. She thought that was lame.

 “I just don’t get you,” Vicki said. “I was tired of high school by the time I was sixteen. How can you stand this shit?”

“It’s fun,” I said.

“This isn’t like college, baby. It’s not cool to get more than one high school degree.”

“I think it’s pretty cool.”

I got out of the car and walked around to her window to get a kiss.

“You’re getting too old for this,” she said.

     “I’m young at heart,” I said.

     “Too bad your dick isn’t young at heart,” she said.

“What do you mean?”

“Your performance this morning was …” She gave me a thumbs down while making a farting noise with her mouth. A couple kids heard her and laughed.

“Sorry,” I said. “I’m just not a morning person. I feel all calm and reflective in the morning. I feel like an ancient Chinese poet. I’m not horny like I am the rest of the day.”

She laughed. “That’s cute. Well, when you get home I’m going to sit on your face and you can recite some haikus to my asshole.”

There was a geeky freshman girl standing behind us. She looked traumatized.

“What the fuck are you looking at?” Vicky said.

The girl ran off.

I walked into the school.

I couldn’t get used to how much everything had changed. The teenagers were all so hip. When I was a kid we all dressed like we were on Dawson’s Creek. It was lame and we all knew it, but we couldn’t help ourselves. Things had changed. Purple jeans were normal now. Thuggy kids dressed skater. Skater kids dressed thug. Being artsy wasn’t nerdy anymore. It was hip.

I found my buddy standing by my locker. His name was Ta-Bone Get it? Ta Bone? Cause he likes to bone chicks. He had only put it in a couple girls, but he came up with his nickname and somehow it stuck.

He was my only friend. No one else had gotten used to going to high school with a thirty-two year old man yet. But Ta-Bone was a chill-master. He thought it was cool I was over thirty.

“What’s up, Buttcrack?” he said. “How are those old man boobs hanging?”

That was my nickname. Buttcrack. I got that nickname because my butt crack was always sticking out.

“Dude, what with your hair man?” he said. “You look like Simon and Garfunkel.”

“At least I don’t look like a white R Kelly,” I said.

“R Kelly? I’ll take that as a compliment. That dude loves to fuck.”

A girl opened the locker next to mine. The girl had an ass like a rhinoceros. It was a terrifying-looking thing. It made me want to fall down on my knees and pray for forgiveness.

She noticed me staring, put her jacket away, grabbed her books and ran off. I kept staring at her ass, wishing I could shoot tractor beams out of my eyes.

“Dude,” Ta-bone said. “What’s your deal?”

“What? She’s nice looking. That butt makes me nervous and sweaty.”

“You re-enrolled in high school. You are surrounded by the sweetest, youngest high school ass, and you’re checking out the one chick in school that looks like a full grown adult.”

“She looks youngish.”

“Does not. That girl looks older than the old-ass chick you’re dating.”

Ta-Bone pointed to a girl he thought was attractive.

“Now would you look at the butthole on that chick,” he said. “Now that’s the good stuff.”

The girl noticed us talking about her and gave us a dirty look. We weren’t very discreet. Ta-Bone smiled and winked at her. She rolled her eyes and her friends laughed.

Our first class was Sex Ed. It was the worst Sex Ed class ever. The teacher was old and looked like a bean bag chair. Her voice sounded soggy. She kept talking about all the basic reproductive crap we had already learned in biology class. I just wanted to see a condom get put on a banana. That’s always a good time. She didn’t even do that. She just showed a condom still in the wrapper and told us to read the instructions.

“It’s not that hard,” she said.

Ta-Bone kept asking where the clit was so he could see the diagram of the vagina. After the third time he asked, the teacher caught on to what he was doing. She got really mad and told him to see the principal.

“Does anybody have any other questions?” she asked.

I raised my hand.

“I heard smoking weed lowers your sperm count. If you smoke enough, could it be used as a sexual contraceptive?”

The class laughed. I felt proud. It was the first time I was able to get a class laughing since I re-enrolled.

“One more comment like that and you can join your buddy in the principal’s office.”

The teacher went on being really boring. While she lectured I noticed this kid sitting across from me. He kept sticking his hands down his sweatpants to scratch and fondle his cock and balls. He was a big kid. He looked like he had glandular problems. I imagined he was slimy down there.

He took his hand out of his pants and sniffed it. He caught me staring. I smiled at him politely. He held out his hand to me as if he wanted me to take a sniff.

“No thanks,” I said.

     I pretended to listen to the teacher’s lecture on genitals. Scratch Master kept staring at me. There was only so much I could take. I had this old lady talking about semen and then this kid trying to get me to smell his ball sweat. Fuck.

     I raised my hand and asked to go to the bathroom. The teacher told me to hurry up. I had no plans of coming back to class. That old thing wasn’t going to notice. I don’t think she even knew what was going on.   

I found Ta-Bone drinking from a water fountain.

“What up, Buttcrack?” he said. “You get kicked out too?”

     I nodded.

He gave me a hug. Ta-Bone loved to hug. He gave great hugs.

A couple girls walked by. Ta-Bone let go and stared at their butts as hard as he could.

“Look at that girl’s butthole,” he said.

I laughed. What a vile thing to say.

“I bet you’ve never seen a butthole,” I told him.

“Dude, it’s not 1995 or some shit. There’s this thing called the internet. And there’s this thing called internet porn. So, yeah, I’ve seen a butthole before.”

“Good point. But if you like ass so much how come you don’t like that chick that has the locker next to mine?”

“That girl had too much booty. I like a girl whose booty doesn’t look that different than my own. My booty is fucking fine as hell.”

He turned around and pulled down his pants. The boy was right. He did have a nice little butt. It was hard not to admire a butt like that.

“Mr. Maxwell!” a teacher called from the other end of the hall. “Pull you pants up.”

It was Ms. Worpath.

“My name’s Ta-Bone!” he said.

“Aren’t you two supposed to be in class?”

She moved quickly. This lady could really chew your ear off. Neither of us was in the mood for a ten minute lecture.

“Mr. David, I would think that a student as old as you would be more responsible.”

She was lecturing us from a distance. We couldn’t let her get too close. Once she was too close, we’d be screwed.

“Run for it!” I yelled.

I didn’t know if she was actually chasing us. It didn’t matter. We were having a good time pretending she was. We ran as fast as we could. We ran past Home Ec and Ta-Bone sneaked in quickly and stole a cookie this girl had just baked.

“This cookie’s awful,” Ta-Bone said.

“Fuck you,” the girl said.

Ta-Bone spit the chewed up cookie on the floor.

The teacher saw us and we continued running.

    

We ran all the way down to the first floor, past the cafeteria, cut through a gym class and into the boys’ locker.

“That was a close call,” I said.

We sat on the linoleum floor and caught our breath. At first we thought we were alone, but then we heard the showers turn on.

“Someone’s here,” I whispered.

Ta-Bone took out his cell phone. He put his finger up to his lips to shush me, and motioned for me to follow him. We crept up to the showers. Ta-Bone held his phone camera out like it was some super sophisticated James Bond spy tool, took a picture, and checked out who was in the shower. He got a picture of the kid’s dong.

“I would recognize that massive wang anywhere,” he said. “Ralph, that you?”

 “Go away,” the kid in the shower said.

It was Ralph, Ta-Bone’s cousin. He was this short, grimy goblin who wore the same WrestleMania sweatpants every day. He had dandruff that looked like Frosted Flakes. His dick was big though. He had that much going for him. That was one impressive shlong. A meat wand like that could cast a mighty spell if used by the right wizard. But Ralph was no Harry Potter. He never hooked up with anyone. So that thing was basically just ornamental. And he needed to wash it. That thing was covered in all sorts of smegma. 

 We peeked in, hoping to find Ralph bathing for once. The water ran, but Ralph stood away from the stream. He still had his clothes on. His dick was out. He was trying to put it under the stream of hot water.

 Ta-Bone grabbed him by his arm and dragged him out of the shower.

“Ta-Bone dude, wuzzz up?”

“What the fuck are you doing?” he asked.

“Oh, you know, sometimes I like to punish myself. It’s no big deal.”

 “What do you mean?”

“I was going to make myself stand under burning hot water. But then the water was too hot and I didn’t want to get fully naked, so I figured I would just punish my dick. But even that was too scary.”

He stuck a finger up his nose and pulled out a crusty booger and stuck it in his mouth.

 “What do you have to be upset about?” Ta-Bone asked.

     “It was awful,” Ralph said. “I didn’t even want to go to school today. I’M A MONSTER!”

     “What happened?” Ta-Bone asked.

     “I was trying to teach myself how to bone chicks,” he said. “I was using my pillow like you told me to.”

     “That’s good,” Ta-Bone said. “It’s like a punching bag.”

     “I humped it forever. But I couldn’t cum. I figured that coming would be like peeing, that I would just let it out, but it wasn’t like peeing and…”

     “Fuck dude, what happened?”

     “I peed all over my pillow.”

     We tried to hold back our laughter, but it wasn’t easy.

     “It was awful. I felt like a rapist. I raped my pillow and then peed on it. I’m awful.”

     “I don’t think fucking your pillow counts as actual rape,” I said.

     “You sure?”

     “I mean its super weird. But no, it’s fully legal.”

     He smiled. His mood had shifted drastically. “Hey can you guys tell me if my armpits smell bad?”

     He lifted his arm.

     “Ralph, I’m telling you right now, that arm pit smells like a shit, for real,” Ta-Bone said.

     “It doesn’t smell good,” I said.

     “But if it doesn’t smell good, then why do I like smelling it so much?”

Mr. Phillips, the gym teacher found us hiding out in the locker room. I had known Mr. Phillips for a while. We were in the same grade. We had never gotten along. One time, he caught me dry humping his sister, Candy. Actually, my good buddy Louie and I were both dry humping her at the same time. I had the butt side and he had the vagina side. It was surprisingly romantic. Candy liked dry humping. She said it was like “extreme hugging.” Anyway, he caught us going to town and has had a vendetta against us ever since. I wouldn’t have signed up for gym class, but I love tag so much.

“What are you slack jawed faggots doing here?” he said.

“We were just talking about exercise and shit,” Ta-Bone said.

 “Very funny. David, or Buttcrack, or Big Titties, or whatever it is you call yourself these days, can I speak with you alone?”

He told my friends to leave. At first they were hesitant. Mr. Phillips walked up to them and stared them down with crazy-abusive-dad eyes. Ralph and Ta-Bone ran off, leaving me alone with my nemesis.

“Sit,” Mr. Phillips told me. He spoke to me like I was a dog.

There was nothing to sit on. I ended up sitting on the floor. He thought that was funny. His bald head seemed to get extra shinny when he was happy.

“I saw you talking to my niece,” he said.

“You have a niece?”

I didn’t know who he was talking about. I had not actually talked to any girls. High School girls didn’t like me much. They thought I was creepy. I didn’t want to tell him that though.

“If you do to her what you did to her mother, I just want you to know, I will have you arrested.”

“Is dry humping teenagers illegal?”

“If you are a thirty year old man, yes.”

“I don’t know about that.”

“Listen to me, I will have you arrested. Mark my words. I will have you arrested and then I will hire someone in prison to buttfuck you. He will buttfuck you so hard you will have a prolapsed anus and then he will suck on your prolapsed anus.”

“Is that a thing?” I asked.

“Oh yeah, it’s getting popular, you stunted, pitiful, useless, abomination of a man.”

I smiled. It was a nervous, pitiful smile.

“Listen,” he said. “The only reason they let you come back here at all is cause your Grandma used to work here, like million years ago. Somehow that still carries clout. But I think it’s pathetic. I think you are pathetic. I don’t see how a full grown man can live his life this way.”

He looked at me like he had just asked a question. I didn’t know what to say.

“I’m sorry,” I said.

“You’re sorry?” he said.

“I guess.”

He shook his head.

“Get out of here,” he said.

Ta-Bone and Ralph were waiting for me outside the locker room. Ralph was chewing on his hair.

“What happened in there?” Ta-Bone asked. “Did I hear him say he was going to buttfuck you?”

“No, he just wanted to chat about old times.”

CHICAGO NEEDS MORE GRIMBOL

THE GRUNDIES#3

Grimey walked across the baseball field and found Jenny smoking a cigarette in the dugout.

“What the fuck is that?” she said.

He was carrying the new Super Soaker. It was massive. He was having trouble carrying it. There were three firing mode. He had it set to “shower down,” but changed it to “Precision shot.”

He fired it so it hit the wall right by her head. She didn’t like that. She reached into her purse and pulled out her squirt gun. It was small, neon read, see-threw, and shaped like a miniature pistol.

She fired it at Grimey. Direct hit. Right on his forehead. The water felt warm. Too warm.

“What was that?”

It dripped down to his mouth. He tasted the sourness and screamed.

He ran to an ancient water fountain. He prayed to the gods that it worked. He turned the lever. Water bubbled out. He cleaned his mouth the best he could. Then he looked back at the dugout. Jenny was texting. He looked down at his gun. Pumped it five times for extra firing power and then ran up to Jenny and aimed the futuristic squirt gun at her.

“I’m going to get you.”

She took out her gun. Aimed it at him.

“DON’T! I GIVE UP!” he yelled.

He took off his squirt gun and put the whole set up by her feet.

She went back to texting.

“Wait a minute,” Grimey said. “Does that mean you’ve been carrying around a squirt gun filled with piss this entire day?”

“Yeah, so?”

Grimey laughed hysterically.

“What’s so funny?” Jenny said.

Grimey kept laughing.

Jenny went back to her texting.

BUY A SIGNED COPY OF THE CREEK

If you want a signed copy of THE CREEK, email Justin Grimbol at justingrimbol@hotmail.com
Usually, he will charge ten bucks, plus shipping and handling. But he is willing to barter. 
Included in the package:
Hand drawn comic, by author.
Home photo of the creek where many of the poems in the book take place.
Random artifact.