FOOD PLACES

I like to eat.

I like to eat out.

Here are some of my favorite places to do that.

One day I will have so many favorite places to eat. I will have a favorite place in every state. Fuck it, I will have a favorite food place in every dimension.

And I will tell you about them.

And you will go to these places and eat food.

MAINE

HOLTON

GRAMMYS: There’s a sign in Grammys. It says. What happens in Grammys stays in Grammys.

My wife and I should have taken this as a warning. We were on a diet when we went there. Grammys is not the sort of place you go when you are on a diet.

This place has the most intense portions I have ever seen. It’s like level four in Super Mario Three. Its giant world. Everything’s big. The food looks like it’s made for Greek Gods not normal men and women.

I typed in what I ate into weight wathers.com that night. I wanted to see how many points I used up. The site crashed. The word FAIL came on the screen in bright red letters.

Then I went outside and jump roped until I stopped feeling so guilty for eating delicious giant food.

PORTLAND

TU CASAS: Portland is a pretentious shit hole. But it has some great restaurants. Tu Casas is my favorite. It has really good burritos and tacos and fried plantains.

The service is horrible though. But it’s part of the places charm. Seriously, you sit down and they act like you are begging for change. They almost seem to be avoiding you. Be patient. The food will come. And it’s amazing.

MASSACHUSETTES

WILLIAMSTOWN

HOT TOMATOES: This place has the best pizza outside of New York City and Long Island. It’s nothing like New York pizza. It’s crispy and has big sweet chunks of tomatoes. It’s not a restaurant. They just do take out. But there is a picnic table out back, next to the river. Eat an entire pie there. It’s heaven.

NEW YORK

GRANVILLE

SCOTTYS: When you first walk into this place, you will think its general store. But if you brave the creepy  rundown place, you will find the cheapest, tastiest, rundown diner ever. Their omletes are massive and sloppy and delicious and cheap. I recommend eating lots of food here.

SAG HARBOR

CONCA DOROS PIZZA: I have been going to this pizza joint since I was little. The interior hasn’t changed much. It looks and feels timeless in there. The staff changes. But it always feels the same. A guy named Franky runs the place and he is familiar with every person who has ever spent time in Sag Harbor. The pizza is consistent and fills you with warmth. It’s hard to only eat one slice. It makes me homesick just thinking about. I am in bed right now. I’m naked, fat and hungry, typing this and a part of me would do anything to teleport to that timeless pizza demotion and have a slice. I recommend eating a slice luke warm once in a while. It tastes really nice and soft that way.

OREGON

ASTORIA

CHARLEYS CHOWDER HOUSE: The Chowder house was once a second home to me. I would get meat loaf there every night, then drink with the owner and listen to Jimmy Buffet. Charlie had a gang of stoned teenage girls as his waiting staff. And they were hysterical and fun and goofy. They were friendly in a way that was very genuine or grumpy in a way that felt even more genuine and charming somehow.

It’s been years since I have lived there. I think the place has changed a bit. They don’t serve meat loaf anymore cause I was the only one that would buy it. I think the wait staff has matured some, but not too much. The food is still amazing. He makes incredible New England clam chowder. It’s better than any chowder I’ve had in New England. I think they call it Astoria Clam Chowder now, or at least they should. They also have really good fish tacos.

Charlie also owns a books store called Godfathers. Go there. Buy a book. He has an extensive Larry Brown and Bukowski selection, which is rare. Buy a cup of coffee. Hang out with some of the riff raff. Then go the chowder house and feast.

I once got to the Chowder House at noon, ate tacos for lunch, drank coffee, read, gossiped with my waitress, then I got dinner at five. Occasionally I would go outside and watch big freighter make their way down the Columbian. Then I had a few drinks. Charlie made me this special drink that I thought was some crazed, super complex magical contraption, but I think it might have just been whiskey and lime juice.

Good times.

I often regret leaving Astoria. But when I say that I really just mean I miss The Chowder House.

 FORT GEORGE: My wife used to work here. It huge. And the place isn’t as cozy or charming as THE CHOWDER HOUSE, but it has great beer. That place will get you drunk. Get the Vortex. Christ it will get you drunk. Get any of their beer actually. It’s all great stuff.

WISCONSIN

OAK CREEK

OFF THE CLOCK

This used to be my moms favorite restaurant. It had a different name and a different owner back then, but I think some good dead mom ghosts linger in that building. Every time I go there I am happy.

They have the best mozzarella sticks. Cheddar and mozzarella cheese wrapped in wanton wrap and powder with parmesan. So good. They also make great burger. Such greasy goodness. I ate there yesterday. Gained a third man boob.

RACINE

THE PARK INN
My father used to go to this place as a child and he swears that it hasn’t changed in all that time. It looks like they haven’t replaced a single table or stool or chair since the fifties and sixties. It’s a real fifties diner, not one of those tacky places where everything is bright red or pink. There are no pictures of Elvis or Marilyn Monroe on the walls of this place. It just has the cheap worn in feel of history. Get their cheese burger basket.

When I moved to Racine I would eat there every day with my father. We started calling his car the Park Inn express. I gained like thirty pounds. So I had to stop. But I long for the place. I long for it from the very bottom of my fat kid soul.

VERMONT

POULTNEY

PERRYS DINER: Perry’s bacon egg and cheese sandwich is so good, so greasy, so monstrous. It doesn’t cure the hangover. But it’s still good medicine. And its tastes good. It tastes like it could make you grow stretch marks in under an hour. They also have good potatoes, grown on Perry’s farm which is right down the road.