Interview: Bizarro Author Justin Grimbol
I recently had the honor of performing alongside Justin Grimbol, the visionary behind of The Crud Masters, an entry in the Eraserhead Press New Bizarro Author Series. During these bizarro gigs, he made a joke about his muse dancing around his dong like a maypole that will stay with me forever. This is the second of many mini interviews I will be conducting on my site with bizarro authors and creative-types who I respect.
The Crud Masters is inspired by The Outsiders. What impact has The Outsiders had on your life?
Shit, not much. I love juvenile delinquency movies. I love juvenile delinquency in general. The Outsiders is a good film. It’s pretty and shit. It has wonderful characters. The two young ones, Johnny and Pony Boy, have a very endearing relationship. That’s probably what I liked most about the movie. But it didn’t have enough fun with juvenile delinquency. There wasn’t enough sex and partying and pranking. I love those things. So when I wrote The Crud Masters there was plenty of that shit.
Your website, Butt Shark University, has a lot of dicks and butts and boobs. What impact have dicks and butts and boobs had on your life?
More than you could imagine. I love butts so much. And I am proud to have met some great women with great butts, women that are wonderful ball busters and can laugh in ways that make the whole world blush. Dicks are cool too. I wish I had an uglier dick. I like big sweaty mangled looking, veiny dicks. Mine is too smooth and handsome. I love drawing dicks. My buddies and I used to draw dicks on everything. We called it wanging. I like to wang things.
Why is your character, Pussy Bear, obsessed with Freddy Krueger sex?
She just loves sex. She understands that ugly things can be sexy too. Krueger showed her his sensitive side. In the end, he got too clingy though. You know how us dudes can be?
Arm wrestling. You vs. Patrick Swayze circa The Outsiders. Who wins?
He would. Sorta. You see, I would stink palm him. Remember that shit from Mallrats? I would rub my hand all over my sweaty balls and asshole and then I would arm wrestle him. He would then go around smelling nasty as hell. The dweeb.
INTERVIEW WITH BIZARRO PRESS
BP: Your story "Laser Tits" was recently accepted for publication in Tall Tales with Short Cocks. In the unlikely event that the title fails to lure readers in, we should probably brainstorm up a few marketing slogans. What you think of "Laser Tits: Come for the light amplification by stimulated emission of radiation, stay for the tits"?
JG: I like to compare my stories to movies. I'd say: LASER TITS is wild as fuck. It’s like Weird Science dry humped Conan the Barbarian and then gave birth to a weird mutant version of She Ra. This story is proven to make you horny as hell.
BP: I never considered using a belly button for anything besides receptive intercourse, but I gotta admit the whole outie scene was kinda hot. Does this make me a pervert, or is sex just bizarre?
JG: Sex is best when it’s a little messed up and weird. If it doesn’t make you a little uncomfortable, then you are doing it wrong. That's just my little not-so-humble opinion.
BP: Explain how Butt Shark University differs from your alma mater.
JG: Not by much. I went to Green Mountain College and majored in Partying. I had a minor in getting naked. Christ in heaven, GMC kids love to party. I drank beer, grew massive man-boobs and then still managed to get laid. It’s a hippy school. I love hippy chicks.
BP: How long has Pussy Bear been attending BSU? Tell us a bit about her extracurricular activities.
JG: I created Pussy Bear a long time ago, back when I used to draw comics. She made her first appearance in a mini-comic I did called DESPERATE. This was way before I ever went to college. Wait, that doesn’t really answer your question. I would say she started going to college about twenty years after the events that took place in THE CRUD MASTERS. That makes BSU really futuristic.
BP: Speaking of The Crud Masters, this novel is your homage to The Outsiders. What do you think S.E. Hinton would make of it?
JG: It would probably make her horny. Publicly, she would have to denounce the book, but secretly, she would love it and hide it under her pillow. She would dream of having my stinky ass sleeping next to her, poking my flaccid cock against her hairy butt crack.
BP: That image is simply too lovely to follow up on.
JG: I’m a poet.
BP: Is it true that you ran a child care program in Long Island?
JG: I used to. I work in a homeless shelter now. I live in Portland Maine, which is a horrible, stuck-up little city. I hate it. But yes, I used to run a child care program. It was called Fun Squad. I held it in the playground next to my father’s church. My father is a minister. He is also a writer. Just type in my last name in amazon. A really strange combination of books pop up.
BP: There's a restaurant here in Salt Lake called the Soup Kitchen. Every once in a while, some homeless person wanders in hoping for a free meal, only to be turned away. I don't suppose you have the same problem where you work, but what would you say to some stuck-up hipster hoping for a free bed?
JG: No hipsters come near the shelter. Portland Maine hipsters are terrified of the poor. If the place doesn’t look like a Whole Foods, they get nervous.
Read Justin Grimbol's "Laser Tits" in Tall Tales with Short Cocks Vol. 2, now available from Bizarro Press!
An Interview I did with SPIKE MARLOWE
Here it is, the Justin Grimbol interview! The Grimbolina exposes his emotional state, his addictions and himself! Outtakes were posted Tuesday the 21st at Bizarro Central.
In The Crud Masters, when a car battery needs charging, Crud Master Soda Can attaches his cock to the battery in an attempt to jumpstart the car. When you need to jump a car, how do you get it started?
I would get anxious and have a hissy fit. This would probably not get my car started, but it is what I would do.
The Crud Masters have awesome names like Boogers, Snuggles, Clitty, Soda Can and Pussy Bear. What’s your Crud Master name, and why?
The Masters are real. Sort of. You see, I grew up in the Hamptons. Kids dressed really nice, real hip. The kids who dressed poor were called Crud Meisters. That’s where I got the name. I was a Crud Miester. I wasn’t poor, but I was chubby and had a mullet and I dressed really badly. I was the cruddiest Crud Meister.
And I’ve had lots of nicknames. Table butts my favorite nick name. Usually people call me Grimboly, or Boly.
My dad had a great nick name in college. He was called War Head, because of the way his dick would poke out of his boxers shorts. My cock does the same thing. I think I should be called War Head Junior.
Crud Master Boogers got his name because he’s addicted to nasal spray, which has resulted in him being constantly congested. What are you addicted to, and what’s the unfortunate side-effect?
I was actually addicted to nasal spray for eight years. That part of the book is based on my actual life. I couldn’t breathe without using the stuff. I couldn’t sleep without snorting that shit. Sometimes I would run out and go on crazy journeys in the middle of the night to find some Afrin. It was intense. Then I started working at a drug and alcohol rehab. I was watching people detox off of heroin. Some of the clients had really rough detoxes. They got all sweaty and shaky. They would see things and vomit all over the place. They were going through hell. And I was complaining about having the sniffles. I felt like a dork. So I quit using nasal spray. That was about a year ago. I couldn’t breathe through my nose for almost three months. My nose still doesn’t work properly. I have so many boogers. I’ve gotten used to it. No big deal.
The Crud Masters is essentially a retelling of the YA classic The Outsiders, only with Transformers and Japanese-style monsters. What books did you love as a teenager?
I read comics. I read underground stuff, like R Crumb and Pete Bagge’s Hate and Love and Rockets and shit like that. I didn’t start reading prose and poetry until I was 21. My buddy Gorcoff told me to read Ham on Rye by Bukowski. Then all hell broke loose.
Justin — I keep seeing naked, or almost naked, pictures of you. And when I don’t see such pictures, you’re offering to take your clothes off. Are you a nudist?
I love getting naked.
I went to a hippy college in Vermont. Kids got naked all the time there. Heather, my fiancé, and I met at a naked party. Everyone there was naked and dancing to some shitty jam band music. I hated the music but I loved being naked. I walked right up to the her and I was like: “What’s up baby, check out my dangus!” We danced. It was romantic.
Sometimes being naked can be embarrassing though. A couple of weeks ago my belt broke. I tried to fix it with tape. It didn’t work. The tape came loose while I was at this sleazy club called BUBBAS. My pants kept falling down. At one point I started dancing. I was having fun shaking my rump around. Then this bouncer came up to me. “Sir, you have to pull you pants up,” he said. “We’ve been getting complaints.”
I got really embarrassed. People were complaining! What have I turned into? I kept thinking. I felt like a complete degenerate. I might as well been pushing around a shopping cart full of empty beer cans around the club.
Being an adult is horrible. I wish I could find a loop hole.
I’m resilient though. I keep getting naked and showing the world my stuff. I got naked for a promo I did. It was a good time.
13 Questions with Justin Grimbol(With the webside HORROR SLEAZE TRASH)
Justin Grimbol grew up in Sag Harbor, New York. His parents were both Presbyterian ministers. He attended Green Mountain College, and majored in partying. He is the author of Drinking Until Morning and The Crud Masters.
Justin talked to us about a variety of subjects including Bukowski, Booze and Bizarro Fiction…
HST: Prepare to be bombarded by a plethora of intellectually stimulating questions, but before we get to that, what on earth possessed you to arrange plastic figurines in sexual positions?
It’s actually Vince Kramer that makes the toy porn. I just put the pictures up on my site. It’s amazing stuff. The guy’s the Stanley Kubrick of Toy Porn. I’m a big fan. He’s also the author of GIGANTIC DEATH WORM, which is one of the most hilarious books I have ever read.
HST: Tell our readers about ‘His Cock is Money’. Would it be fair to say, that you are not too fussed if somebody labels you as ‘immature’ or puerile?
I don’t mind being labelled as immature. Sometimes I like to be all snooty and intellectual. Most of the time, I like to talk about sex and tell stories about partying and acting like a rascal. I like to dance around my apartment naked while listening to the ROCKY 4 soundtrack. I also enjoy drawing cocks with Microsoft paint. For a while my website, ‘His Cock is Money’, was just a blog where I put all my Microsoft Paint drawings. Then I started using it to promote my writing and the writing of some of my friends. I realized I liked promoting other peoples work, so I turned it into an anthology. I started taking submissions. It’s been fun as hell. I’ve met some great writers through doing this site.
There’s a lot of good stuff on ‘His Cock Is Money’. I do reviews and interviews. I put up poetry and flash fiction. Sometimes I like to put up pictures of toys fucking.
HST: In ‘Drinking Until Morning’ published by Black Coffee Press, I’m wondering just how much of ‘Grimboli’ isn’t an extension of yourself?
Grimboli is 99% me. His dick is just a tad bit bigger than mine. That’s the only difference. Or maybe it’s my dick that’s bigger. I can’t remember.
HST: In ‘Low Tide’, a girlfriend after a minor disagreement says “Why don’t you go write about it in one of your poems?” Are your words easy to write, because you basically jot down what you experience?
It’s rarely that simple. That particular poem was easy to write though. I was clamming and I got cut. My girlfriend, Heather, made fun of me and I thought about how funny she is and how much I love dating such a ball buster, so I wrote it down. I was still wet and bleeding when I wrote it.
HST: I imagine that your writing process is a little erratic; as you appear somewhat dishevelled and disorganized, but I have a feeling I might be wrong, am I?
It’s erratic. I move a lot. And I have trouble holding onto a job. So my schedule is constantly changing. I have to adjust my writing habits to fit my schedule.
I write a lot. That’s about the only thing that’s consistent about it.
But I’m extremely focused when I write books. I wrote the first draft of my last book in two days. Then I spent a couple of weeks editing it. I like marathon writing. It’s intense. It makes me feel crazy in all the right ways. And once I sit down to write a project, I am incredibly disciplined. I set a schedule, and I keep to it.
HST: For those unaware, what does ‘Bizarro’ mean? And how does it apply to fiction?
Bizarro is fiction about weird shit. Imagine what it would be like if John Waters, Cronenberg, Roald Dahl, and David Lynch joined together, like Voltron, and wrote a book. That book would be Bizarro. It’s crazy stuff. The books tend to be campy, edgy and raunchy. I don’t mean to make it sound like all Bizarro is the same. They aren’t. The genre has attracted a very diverse group of writers. Some of it can be kinda artsy. It’s never too artsy though.
I love Bizarro. It’s unpretentious and fun as hell and often profound. Carlton Mellick—author of I Knocked Up Satan’s Daughter—is one of my favourite writers. And then there is Kevin Donihe, author of The Best Fucking Moment in Sports, and The Traveling Dildo Salesmen. I love crazy titles. Bizarro fiction has some of the best titles out there.
HST: It seems like you were raised on ‘The Mighty Morphin Power Rangers’ and ‘Transformers’, and transfixed by Godzilla and King Kong? I’m talking fighting robots and giant monsters, like in the music video for the Beastie Boys song ‘Intergalactic’ – What inspired you to write ‘The Crud Masters’?
I never go into The Mighty Morphin Power Rangers. That show came out when I was twelve. I was in a complete pussy trance at that point in my life. All I did was listen to shitty music and chase girls with big butts.
I love Transformers though. I always will. Cup is like a father figure to me.
I never got into Godzilla. I always liked the idea of Godzilla but I could never make it through a Godzilla movie.
THE CRUD MASTERS is my first Bizarro novel. Or novella. Or whatever. It’s like the movie THE OUTSIDERS, but with monsters and robots and bears with big boobs. It was influenced by Troma movies, Gummo, and horror movies like The Blob. When I was young, I used to watch this movie called INFRA MAN. I think that’s what inspired the monster fights. There are a lot of Bizarro books with great monsters in them. Placenta of Love, by Spike Marlowe, has one of my all-time favourite monsters in it. I used to read comics. I’m sure that influenced me.
HST: What is ‘Campy Realism’?
I’m heavily influenced by old low budget cult films. I’ve always wanted my fiction to have that sleazy, reckless energy of a Midnight movie. I used to base my stories on my life. So it was campy, but realistic. Recently I have been focusing on Bizarro, so the term no longer applies to me.
HST: As a fellow Bukowski fan. I’d like to pick your brains about his final novel ‘Pulp’. I’ve read it twice this year, and I can’t decide whether it is a work of simple brilliance, or whether it is complete and utter garbage, what are your thoughts on ‘Pulp’, assuming that you’ve read it?
I think it’s wonderful. It’s like a Bizarro novel. I think he knew it was going to be his last book. I love that he made it so juvenile and playful.
HST: What do you make of the news that James Franco is interested in adapting ‘Ham on Rye’ into a movie?
Oh fuck. Really? I had no idea. Franco sucked at playing Ginsberg and he’ll suck at playing Bukowski. God, I hope this doesn’t happen. Ham on Rye is my favourite novel. Damn you Franco!
Franco is a dingus.
HST: I was listening to a comedian called Joey Diaz talk about New York in the seventies on one of Joe Rogan’s podcasts, and he more or less said that New York was no longer New York, and that everything which made it unique, dangerous and exciting has gone. As a New Yorker, what do you say in response to this?
New York City is horrible. It’s where all the most pretentious people go to make their dreams come true. I lived there for a little bit—like a year, or so. I grew up on Long Island, which is basically New York City’s colostomy bag.
I kinda miss it. I miss the snobby women and the pizza. Sometimes I even miss how claustrophobic the city made me feel.
I miss the night life. I miss drinking until four in the morning, and then going to a diner, and feasting until the sun comes up.
I miss the fear. I miss going into shitty neighbourhoods and feeling paranoid. It was exciting.
I remember I lived down the street from this place called Kennedy Fried Chicken. Everyone who went in there was overly aggressive and rude. People would be like: “What the fuck, this pizza has way too much cheese motherfucker! And where the fuck is my pepperoni?” When I first got to NYC I was still really timid and polite. I’d talk in this weird soft voice. “Can I have a diet Pepsi please?” I would say. After a few months, I changed. I became as rude as everybody else. I go in there acting crazy. “Give me a fucking Diet Pepsi!” I’d yell. “And hurry up! I got things to do!”
Yeah, I miss New York City. But whenever I go there I have a miserable time. It’s a shit hole.
Was it better back in the day? Maybe, but I doubt it.
HST: You roll up to the bar; you’ve got a few notes in your pocket. What do you start the night with, what do you rely on to get you through the initial jitters, and what is your ‘nightcap’?
It depends on the season. In the fall I become a complete beer snob. In the winter I like red wine. It makes me all sappy and sentimental. In the spring I drink nothing but cheap light beers. I drink Bud Lite, and Coor’s lite, and all that shit. Only I change their names to make them sound cool. I call Bud Lite, Big Lite. In the summer I drink white wine or whisky.
Whisky turns me into a rascal. I do bad shit when I’m drunk on whisky. It makes me spend all my money at strip clubs. If there’s no a strip club around, I’ll find a normal party and treat it like a strip club. And then things get really messy.
HST: Lastly, I’m becoming fascinated by the Denver Broncos Quarterback Tim Tebow. His eccentric behaviour and devoted displays of his faith in Christ, not to mention his ability to perform on pitch miracles has converted me to American Football. Are you a religious man? What do you make of America’s fervent fundamentalist Christianity?
I’m very religious. My father’s a minister and so was my mother, before she passed away. I love the bible and its message. I love how Jesus hated money. I love lines like: “The meek will inherit the earth.” And: “The first shall come last and the last shall come first.” That’s some powerful stuff.
A lot of the bible is bullshit though. There’s a lot of crap in there. Fundamentalist Christians take it all literally. I think that’s insane. And I’m always surprised by how hateful and nasty they can be. But people get that way about everything. I’ve seen people get the same way about new-agey shit. I’ve seen people get that way about Buddhism. I’ve even seen people get that way about atheism.
I don’t like dogma. I don’t like when people make religion oppressive, or condemning. My mom once said “Compassion without reason that is the kingdom of Heaven.” My mother believed in creating a sanctuary, both with her church and her home. That was her religion.
I used to run a youth group out of my father’s church. I never talked about Christ with those kids. There was no point. I just created a place that was accepting, and tried to make them excited about life. I gave them a chance to forget all the bullshit their teachers and their parents were shoving down their throats. They were being bombarded with all this shit about going to college and being a go-getter and working and saving money. They were only twelve years old. It was sick. I tried to make a Sanctuary for them. They got to play tag and watch movies. Sometimes I caught them playing spin the bottle. They felt ok with playing spin the bottle in a fucking church. That’s amazing. I think Jesus and my mother would have loved that.
this is an interview to help advertise my new book, DRINKING UNTIL MORNING wich will be published by BLACK COFFEE PRESS in july 2010. the art work above is by jason gorcoff. it was inspired by the novel.
What is your writing process?
I try to write at least two thousand words a day.
I try to write at least two thousand words a day.
What is the last great thing you read?A Feast of Snakes by Harry Crews.
How did your novel Drinking Until Morning come about?I had just finished a pornographic novel called ROLL OVER, and I was tired of writing about sex, so i decided to write about a period of time when I wasn't having sex. God, i was lonely. I was living with my aunt. The affects of my mother’s death felt very ripe and very sore. I was horny but having horrible luck with women. My heart was a pile of gray ash.
While writing this I hoped to find some humor in this experience. As the novel developed I was pleased with how candidly I was able to write about this time period. The story was sadder than I expected it to be but it was also very funny. And though I had started it to try and avoid writing about sex, it ended up being a very erotic novel as well. I just can’t help myself.
While writing this I hoped to find some humor in this experience. As the novel developed I was pleased with how candidly I was able to write about this time period. The story was sadder than I expected it to be but it was also very funny. And though I had started it to try and avoid writing about sex, it ended up being a very erotic novel as well. I just can’t help myself.
Kryptonite was Superman’s greatest weakness, his Achilles heel. What would you say is your greatest weakness as a writer? How do you work to overcome it?
I read too much Bukowski. But fuck it, right? I’ll gnaw on that piece of kryptonite like it was the last pare of tits in the world. Hell, when it comes to literature, sometimes it feels like this might be the case.
When I was young all I wanted to do was write like Bukowski. To this day I still prefer to write gritty first person narratives. Only I have realized that I am less like Bukowski and more like a mixture of Chris Farley and Rosanne. There is a little Bukowski in there too, just not that much. It has been a humbling process to learn how to write honestly about myself. But as long I keep writing honestly I don’t feel I have to worry about being too influenced by old Bukowski or any other writer.
I read too much Bukowski. But fuck it, right? I’ll gnaw on that piece of kryptonite like it was the last pare of tits in the world. Hell, when it comes to literature, sometimes it feels like this might be the case.
When I was young all I wanted to do was write like Bukowski. To this day I still prefer to write gritty first person narratives. Only I have realized that I am less like Bukowski and more like a mixture of Chris Farley and Rosanne. There is a little Bukowski in there too, just not that much. It has been a humbling process to learn how to write honestly about myself. But as long I keep writing honestly I don’t feel I have to worry about being too influenced by old Bukowski or any other writer.
What are you working on right now?I am working on a book of poems called HIS COCK IS MONEY. Then there is a book of college stories called ADULT CAMP, based on the column I wrote for my college paper, back when I was a student. It’s a beast. When I am done I hope it will read like a real morbid version of a national lampoons movie. I am also working on a western series.
Do you have a favorite place to write, read or just plain chill? Describe it.I like to drive. I can drive for days only stopping to drink and shit and fill up on gas. I only drive back roads. I liked driving by small remote towns late at night, seeing a light on in a house and wondering why that person was still awake.
I wish I could read or write while driving.
I wish I could read or write while driving.
What is the best song to accompany love making?When I was in college I lived in the dorms. The walls were thin and noise traveled easily. When I was having sex I would turn on the radio and play classical music really loud to try and cover up the noise. I like listing to classical while having sex. It makes my dick feel like a genius. Like it is capable of figuring out the origins of the universe. I’m a cheap son of bitch though, and all I owned was a cheap clock radio I had bought at a thrift store. It wasn’t very loud, and people could still hear screaming and moaning and slapping noises. The classical music just made it creepier. My friend Bailey described it as the “type of music serial killers listen to.” She said “it sounds like your torturing someone in there.”
What would you name yourself if you were a pirate?I think I would have to insist that my shipmates call me Mr. Grimbol. The female crew members would like this. When I took them to my chamber they would be able to pretend that they are not pirates but instead students and that I am their teacher. “Arr, you haven’t done ye homework now I must paddle ye bottom with me ruler. Arrr.” And then I would turn on the some Chopin.
What is your favorite curse word?Poon-tang. Wait, that’s just my favorite word. My favorite curse word would be...yeah, I would have to say its poon-tang as well.
What question should I have asked?Pubic hair?
Yes.
Yes.
What’s your favorite band right now?Lil Wayne and Birdman.
Why did you decide on the route you have taken as a writer and how has this worked out for you?I love to write about myself. I mean I really, really love it. But I also get very jealous of writers that do write more purely fictionally work like Larry McMurtry. It seems like fun to have an entire world full of charters in your head, going ape shit, trying to get onto the page. In interviews McMurtry frequently talks about feeling attached to certain characters. I want to experience this. So, to explore this I have started writing a western. Writing these little fuckers has been a fun. Its campy. But I like that.
What’s been the big influence on your work?My friend Gorcoff. He is the least pretentious man I have ever known. A few years back we drove through the Rockies together. We were both impressed by how large and jagged and unforgiving the mountains looked. I kept writing these long overly abstract poems. They were awful. Then I heard Gorcoff compare it to a video game we used to play when we were little. “This is like Death Mountain from Zelda,” he said, “Gannon lives up there. We got to go and save the princess bro.” Jesus, I thought, It’s true. It reminded me of Death Mountain too. This mans a better poet than I could ever be. (He’s doesn’t write poetry though. He paints. If you want to check out some art work based on my writing check out his blog at jgorcoff.blogspot.com)
If you could speak to a whole room full of high school kids what would you say?I would give them nothing but bad advice. It’s the bad advice that leads to the best memories. I’d tell them to go out and smoke weed and grow side burns and make sure to give your parents plenty of hell. Don’t fall in love with the one girl for too long. Tenderize that heart. Get it stepped on at least a dozen times a year.
Who are your favorite writers and why?Bukowski. Larry McMurtry. John Fante and Dan Fante. Cormac McCarthy. And an old Chinese poet named Tao Chien. They write simple lines. Except for Cormac, they are all funny as hell. Much of what they write about is sad. It can be so sad that it is crushing. But sadness, if written well, can be very exciting. I get excited when I read these guys. Sometimes I get so excited that I start punching the air or my pillow and I start grunting and screaming “yeah! Mother-fucker, yeah!!!” It’s like watching the last scene in Karate Kid. When I was little I would watch this movie I would get so hyped up that I would spend the rest of the day running around trying to karate fight everything. Then in college, before going out drinking, my friend Bailey and I, would watch Karate Kid, but just the last fifteen minutes, and it would get us all hyped up and then we would go out and try to get laid. It was best. Most time I didn’t get laid and I would just get too drunk and act crazy. But that was best too. And that’s how exciting reading these guys can be for me. I feel that same kind of excitement deep in my guts. Ahh…best….
Who was the first person you told when you learned Black Coffee Press wanted to publish you?My girlfriend Heather. We had to turn the classical music up real loud that day.
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