"WAR DRUMS"

We were staying at a beach cottage in Popham Maine. The place belonged to my fiancés family. Luckily, none of those warlocks were staying with us, so we invited some friends over.

It was a good time. After the girls were done talking about yoga they started getting drunk and acting rowdy. 

I wasn’t drinking. I wanted to lose weight. I wasn’t fat. Or big boned. I was curvy. But I was getting too curvy. Soon I was going to look like one of those freaks that you see on sleazy talk shows, to show off their breast implants. Only mine wouldn’t be implants. They would be all natural, and not in a good way.  Booze makes you chunky.  So I was sober. Very sober.

I lay in the sand all day and watched my fiancé and her friends drink and laugh. The beach made me horny. It was like going to a strip club where you can’t buy a lap dance and no one’s dancing. I was pent up. The goblin army in my balls was going berserk. I could hear their war drums.

Once nighttime came I convinced everyone to go swimming.  They got naked. They must have thought I couldn’t see them in the dark. But I had snagged a camera. It had a mighty flash. I started taking pictures. And, for moment, I could see all of the good stuff. And it looked good.

 “GRIMBOL, STOP! What the fucks wrong with you?” they yelled.

I kept taking pictures. They ran. I chased them into water. It reminded me of the movie the Last Unicorn. When I was young that movie disturbed me deeply. There was this bull that stood guard on the beach and kept all the unicorns trapped at sea.That night I felt like I was the bull. 

Eventually, they ran back running out of the water. This time I did not take pictures. They looked cold but happy. One of them grabbed the camera from me. We went back to the house and looked at all the pictures I had taken. They weren’t as erotic as I imagined. Most of them were of the girls hunched over, trying to cover their private parts. My fiancé, on the other hand, was not as shy. The pictures of her were scandalous. They showed her bending over and flexing and spreading open all sorts of stuff. She looked like an amateurs gymnast. It was impressive. Unfortunately, she had passed out on the couch, so she couldn’t enjoy her moment of glory.  

“We got to erase these pictures,” Lila said.

“Don’t you dare,” I told her. “That’s my life’s work.”

I slept well that night. In the morning I woke up took a nice long pee. When I looked in the bathroom mirror I noticed that I had put my sun tan lotion on poorly. Half of my face was burnt. The other half looked fine. I looked like two face from batman. I decided to put sun tan lotion on the burnt side only and hoped  that by the end of the day my other side would be burnt as well.