“THERE NEEDS TO BE CAKE”

The other day I caught Heather looking at a wedding cakes on the internet. The cakes she was interested in were big and fancy. I didn't like that. Fancy cakes made me anxious.

“Why don’t we just get a big Carvel cake for our wedding?” I suggested. “A face cake. A face cake with our faces printed on it. Or maybe a cake shaped like an animal, like a duck.”

“That makes me mad,” she said. “Don’t suggest that ever again.”

“I can’t handle this little girl wedding fantasy shit,” I said. “I don’t want to buy some big fancy cake.”

“There needs to be cake.”

“Why?”

“Cause it’s our wedding!”

“You’re just trying to impress your friends,” I said. "There is no reason to buy some big tacky looking cake thats going to cost us a zillion dollars."

She groaned and closed her computer. I had ruined her fun. 

“I thought we were having a non-traditional wedding,” I said.

“We are. But we will need a cake. I want a fucking cake, and you can’t make me feel bad about that.”

“You’re insane. Look how obsessive you are being over a fucking cake.”

“I’m not being obsessive. You’re just lazy.”

“Fuck off!”

“It’s three in the afternoon and you’re still walking around in nothing but that ugly tie dye t shirt you like to wear. Look at your dong. A dong shouldn’t just be hanging all over the place at this time of day. It just aint right.”

“Give me break. I just worked a graveyard shift. That means I just woke up like an hour or two ago.”

“Yeah, most people get dressed as soon as they wake up. You go around porky pigging it for hours.”

I laughed. She was a professional ball buster. And I liked that about her.

I walked up to her and I tried to snuggle. She pushed me away and told me that I was in the dog house. I told her she was in the dog house. That got her even more upset. Eventually I was able to force kiss her a little. Then I did a little dance. That cheered her up. She loved it when I do goofy little dances, especially in when I’m wearing nothing but a shirt, my dick and balls flippy-flopping all over the place.

“I got an idea. Let’s get a big tacky ass cake. And have two ducks sitting on top of it.”

“Real ducks?”

“What? No. Ornamental ducks.”

“That would be cute.”

She noticed I had a boner. She grabbed it and jerked on it slowly, seductively.

“What do you wanna do right now?” She asked.

I pretended like I had to really think about that question.

“Hmmm,” I said. “We could watch a bunch of episodes of Roseanne on Netflix.”

“That’s the best idea I have ever heard,” she said. “I just got to fold the laundry first.”

“Right now? Are you serious? Why do you have to ruin the mood!”

She laughed, and then started folding our underpants. We shared the same underwear drawer. While she did this, I set up the computer. And waited.