ONE
Teenagers
were everywhere. There were so many of them. They acted so awkward, but cool at
the same time. Even the nerds seemed cool to me.
“Teenagers
are so gross,” Vicki said.
Vicki was
my girlfriend. She hated driving me to school. I was thirty-two years old and
still in high school. She thought that was lame.
“I just don’t get you,” Vicki said. “I was
tired of high school by the time I was sixteen. How can you stand this shit?”
“It’s fun,”
I said.
“This isn’t
like college, baby. It’s not cool to get more than one high school degree.”
“I think it’s
pretty cool.”
I got out
of the car and walked around to her window to get a kiss.
“You’re
getting too old for this,” she said.
“I’m
young at heart,” I said.
“Too
bad your dick isn’t young at heart,” she said.
“What do
you mean?”
“Your
performance this morning was …” She gave me a thumbs down while making a
farting noise with her mouth. A couple kids heard her and laughed.
“Sorry,” I
said. “I’m just not a morning person. I feel all calm and reflective in the
morning. I feel like an ancient Chinese poet. I’m not horny like I am the rest
of the day.”
She laughed.
“That’s cute. Well, when you get home I’m going to sit on your face and you can
recite some haikus to my asshole.”
There was a
geeky freshman girl standing behind us. She looked traumatized.
“What the
fuck are you looking at?” Vicky said.
The girl
ran off.
I walked
into the school.
I couldn’t
get used to how much everything had changed. The teenagers were all so hip.
When I was a kid we all dressed like we were on Dawson’s Creek. It was lame and we all knew it, but we couldn’t
help ourselves. Things had changed. Purple jeans were normal now. Thuggy kids
dressed skater. Skater kids dressed thug. Being artsy wasn’t nerdy anymore. It
was hip.
I found my
buddy standing by my locker. His name was Ta-Bone Get it? Ta Bone? Cause he
likes to bone chicks. He had only put it in a couple girls, but he came up with
his nickname and somehow it stuck.
He was my
only friend. No one else had gotten used to going to high school with a thirty-two
year old man yet. But Ta-Bone was a chill-master. He thought it was cool I was
over thirty.
“What’s up,
Buttcrack?” he said. “How are those old man boobs hanging?”
That was my
nickname. Buttcrack. I got that nickname because my butt crack was always
sticking out.
“Dude, what
with your hair man?” he said. “You look like Simon and Garfunkel.”
“At least I
don’t look like a white R Kelly,” I said.
“R Kelly?
I’ll take that as a compliment. That dude loves to fuck.”
A girl
opened the locker next to mine. The girl had an ass like a rhinoceros. It was a
terrifying-looking thing. It made me want to fall down on my knees and pray for
forgiveness.
She noticed
me staring, put her jacket away, grabbed her books and ran off. I kept staring
at her ass, wishing I could shoot tractor beams out of my eyes.
“Dude,” Ta-bone
said. “What’s your deal?”
“What?
She’s nice looking. That butt makes me nervous and sweaty.”
“You re-enrolled
in high school. You are surrounded by the sweetest, youngest high school ass, and
you’re checking out the one chick in school that looks like a full grown
adult.”
“She looks
youngish.”
“Does not. That
girl looks older than the old-ass chick you’re dating.”
Ta-Bone
pointed to a girl he thought was attractive.
“Now would
you look at the butthole on that chick,” he said. “Now that’s the good stuff.”
The girl
noticed us talking about her and gave us a dirty look. We weren’t very
discreet. Ta-Bone smiled and winked at her. She rolled her eyes and her friends
laughed.
Our first
class was Sex Ed. It was the worst Sex Ed class ever. The teacher was old and
looked like a bean bag chair. Her voice sounded soggy. She kept talking about
all the basic reproductive crap we had already learned in biology class. I just
wanted to see a condom get put on a banana. That’s always a good time. She
didn’t even do that. She just showed a condom still in the wrapper and told us
to read the instructions.
“It’s not
that hard,” she said.
Ta-Bone
kept asking where the clit was so he could see the diagram of the vagina. After
the third time he asked, the teacher caught on to what he was doing. She got
really mad and told him to see the principal.
“Does
anybody have any other questions?” she asked.
I raised my
hand.
“I heard
smoking weed lowers your sperm count. If you smoke enough, could it be used as
a sexual contraceptive?”
The class
laughed. I felt proud. It was the first time I was able to get a class laughing
since I re-enrolled.
“One more
comment like that and you can join your buddy in the principal’s office.”
The teacher
went on being really boring. While she lectured I noticed this kid sitting
across from me. He kept sticking his hands down his sweatpants to scratch and
fondle his cock and balls. He was a big kid. He looked like he had glandular
problems. I imagined he was slimy down there.
He took his
hand out of his pants and sniffed it. He caught me staring. I smiled at him
politely. He held out his hand to me as if he wanted me to take a sniff.
“No
thanks,” I said.
I
pretended to listen to the teacher’s lecture on genitals. Scratch Master kept
staring at me. There was only so much I could take. I had this old lady talking
about semen and then this kid trying to get me to smell his ball sweat. Fuck.
I
raised my hand and asked to go to the bathroom. The teacher told me to hurry
up. I had no plans of coming back to class. That old thing wasn’t going to
notice. I don’t think she even knew what was going on.
I found Ta-Bone
drinking from a water fountain.
“What up,
Buttcrack?” he said. “You get kicked out too?”
I
nodded.
He gave me
a hug. Ta-Bone loved to hug. He gave great hugs.
A couple girls
walked by. Ta-Bone let go and stared at their butts as hard as he could.
“Look at
that girl’s butthole,” he said.
I laughed.
What a vile thing to say.
“I bet
you’ve never seen a butthole,” I told him.
“Dude, it’s
not 1995 or some shit. There’s this thing called the internet. And there’s this
thing called internet porn. So, yeah, I’ve seen a butthole before.”
“Good
point. But if you like ass so much how come you don’t like that chick that has
the locker next to mine?”
“That girl
had too much booty. I like a girl whose booty doesn’t look that different than
my own. My booty is fucking fine as hell.”
He turned
around and pulled down his pants. The boy was right. He did have a nice little
butt. It was hard not to admire a butt like that.
“Mr.
Maxwell!” a teacher called from the other end of the hall. “Pull you pants up.”
It was Ms.
Worpath.
“My name’s
Ta-Bone!” he said.
“Aren’t you
two supposed to be in class?”
She moved
quickly. This lady could really chew your ear off. Neither of us was in the
mood for a ten minute lecture.
“Mr. David,
I would think that a student as old as you would be more responsible.”
She was
lecturing us from a distance. We couldn’t let her get too close. Once she was
too close, we’d be screwed.
“Run for
it!” I yelled.
I didn’t
know if she was actually chasing us. It didn’t matter. We were having a good
time pretending she was. We ran as fast as we could. We ran past Home Ec and Ta-Bone
sneaked in quickly and stole a cookie this girl had just baked.
“This
cookie’s awful,” Ta-Bone said.
“Fuck you,”
the girl said.
Ta-Bone
spit the chewed up cookie on the floor.
The teacher
saw us and we continued running.
We ran all
the way down to the first floor, past the cafeteria, cut through a gym class
and into the boys’ locker.
“That was a
close call,” I said.
We sat on
the linoleum floor and caught our breath. At first we thought we were alone,
but then we heard the showers turn on.
“Someone’s
here,” I whispered.
Ta-Bone
took out his cell phone. He put his finger up to his lips to shush me, and
motioned for me to follow him. We crept up to the showers. Ta-Bone held his
phone camera out like it was some super sophisticated James Bond spy tool, took
a picture, and checked out who was in the shower. He got a picture of the kid’s
dong.
“I would
recognize that massive wang anywhere,” he said. “Ralph, that you?”
“Go away,” the kid in the shower said.
It was
Ralph, Ta-Bone’s cousin. He was this short, grimy goblin who wore the same
WrestleMania sweatpants every day. He had dandruff that looked like Frosted
Flakes. His dick was big though. He had that much going for him. That was one
impressive shlong. A meat wand like that could cast a mighty spell if used by
the right wizard. But Ralph was no Harry Potter. He never hooked up with
anyone. So that thing was basically just ornamental. And he needed to wash it.
That thing was covered in all sorts of smegma.
We peeked in, hoping to find Ralph bathing for
once. The water ran, but Ralph stood away from the stream. He still had his
clothes on. His dick was out. He was trying to put it under the stream of hot
water.
Ta-Bone grabbed him by his arm and dragged him
out of the shower.
“Ta-Bone
dude, wuzzz up?”
“What the
fuck are you doing?” he asked.
“Oh, you
know, sometimes I like to punish myself. It’s no big deal.”
“What do you mean?”
“I was
going to make myself stand under burning hot water. But then the water was too
hot and I didn’t want to get fully naked, so I figured I would just punish my
dick. But even that was too scary.”
He stuck a
finger up his nose and pulled out a crusty booger and stuck it in his mouth.
“What do you have to be upset about?” Ta-Bone
asked.
“It
was awful,” Ralph said. “I didn’t even want to go to school today. I’M A
MONSTER!”
“What
happened?” Ta-Bone asked.
“I
was trying to teach myself how to bone chicks,” he said. “I was using my pillow
like you told me to.”
“That’s
good,” Ta-Bone said. “It’s like a punching bag.”
“I
humped it forever. But I couldn’t cum. I figured that coming would be like
peeing, that I would just let it out, but it wasn’t like peeing and…”
“Fuck
dude, what happened?”
“I
peed all over my pillow.”
We
tried to hold back our laughter, but it wasn’t easy.
“It
was awful. I felt like a rapist. I raped my pillow and then peed on it. I’m
awful.”
“I
don’t think fucking your pillow counts as actual rape,” I said.
“You
sure?”
“I
mean its super weird. But no, it’s fully legal.”
He
smiled. His mood had shifted drastically. “Hey can you guys tell me if my
armpits smell bad?”
He
lifted his arm.
“Ralph,
I’m telling you right now, that arm pit smells like a shit, for real,” Ta-Bone
said.
“It
doesn’t smell good,” I said.
“But
if it doesn’t smell good, then why do I like smelling it so much?”
Mr.
Phillips, the gym teacher found us hiding out in the locker room. I had known
Mr. Phillips for a while. We were in the same grade. We had never gotten along.
One time, he caught me dry humping his sister, Candy. Actually, my good buddy
Louie and I were both dry humping her at the same time. I had the butt side and
he had the vagina side. It was surprisingly romantic. Candy liked dry humping.
She said it was like “extreme hugging.” Anyway, he caught us going to town and
has had a vendetta against us ever since. I wouldn’t have signed up for gym
class, but I love tag so much.
“What are
you slack jawed faggots doing here?” he said.
“We were
just talking about exercise and shit,” Ta-Bone said.
“Very funny. David, or Buttcrack, or Big Titties,
or whatever it is you call yourself these days, can I speak with you alone?”
He told my
friends to leave. At first they were hesitant. Mr. Phillips walked up to them
and stared them down with crazy-abusive-dad eyes. Ralph and Ta-Bone ran off,
leaving me alone with my nemesis.
“Sit,” Mr.
Phillips told me. He spoke to me like I was a dog.
There was
nothing to sit on. I ended up sitting on the floor. He thought that was funny.
His bald head seemed to get extra shinny when he was happy.
“I saw you
talking to my niece,” he said.
“You have a
niece?”
I didn’t
know who he was talking about. I had not actually talked to any girls. High
School girls didn’t like me much. They thought I was creepy. I didn’t want to
tell him that though.
“If you do
to her what you did to her mother, I just want you to know, I will have you
arrested.”
“Is dry
humping teenagers illegal?”
“If you are
a thirty year old man, yes.”
“I don’t
know about that.”
“Listen to
me, I will have you arrested. Mark my words. I will have you arrested and then
I will hire someone in prison to buttfuck you. He will buttfuck you so hard you
will have a prolapsed anus and then he will suck on your prolapsed anus.”
“Is that a
thing?” I asked.
“Oh yeah,
it’s getting popular, you stunted, pitiful, useless, abomination of a man.”
I smiled.
It was a nervous, pitiful smile.
“Listen,”
he said. “The only reason they let you come back here at all is cause your
Grandma used to work here, like million years ago. Somehow that still carries
clout. But I think it’s pathetic. I think you are pathetic. I don’t see how a
full grown man can live his life this way.”
He looked
at me like he had just asked a question. I didn’t know what to say.
“I’m
sorry,” I said.
“You’re
sorry?” he said.
“I guess.”
He shook
his head.
“Get out of
here,” he said.
Ta-Bone and
Ralph were waiting for me outside the locker room. Ralph was chewing on his
hair.
“What
happened in there?” Ta-Bone asked. “Did I hear him say he was going to buttfuck
you?”
“No, he
just wanted to chat about old times.”
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